Monday, April 11, 2011

The Need for Consolation

I am worried. Why do I have no faith?
Estoy preocupado. Por que no tengo fe?
Its sounds a billion times better in Spanish, doesn't it?

You see, as hard as I am trying NOT to freak out, I am. I am freaking out. I feel immensely alone every time I step out of the comfort of my own home. I feel as if, apart from my parents, I am unsupported in this journey.

I know I shouldn't feel that way, but after sending out 1500 support letters (all to people I know) it is discouraging when no one gives. I have to have half of the money in my May 27th, and I only have $185, which was the donation of four different people.

Of course, money shouldn't be an issue. God has always come through. But if there is one thing that I know about God, its that sometimes he decides to switch things up. What if He doesn't want me to go? Then I will have to spend the next two years with people telling me: "You weren't ready," or ",You weren't faithful enough," or, "You are too young." I hate those conversations more than anything: the conversations when someone, even a pastor, can look you in the face and say, "Your just not good enough."

How can that be? Not when God has so clearly told me.

Don't get me wrong. I am not angry. I know I have people out there rooting for me, but Satan is trying to creep into my mind and make me doubt. I am so scared!

I started crying the other day when I realized that I was probably never going to move back to Washington. I realized that if I did; if I ignored God's calling and pursued my own selfish dreams, I would end up killing myself. I cannot stand waking up in the morning and going to school, watching people stress over grades and clothes and belongings. It is all so trivial when you think about it. If serving God meant giving up a college education, I would do it. If it meant me dying my skin with coffee (like an older female missionary in India) then I will do it. If it meant moving away from America and never seeing my family again...

I would do it.

And I am crying now because my heart is so torn! I feel like someone took a meat cleaver to it. I am trying to remember 2 Corinthians 1, which I read this morning. It was about how God is our consolation, because Jesus went through everything that we go through. I try to remember that: that Jesus has felt this too, but its a battle.

But more than that I am hurt that my family will not support me. Not my inside family, but my outside family. I know they want me to go, but I feel that they want me to go for the wrong reasons. I feel hurt when they say that I am too religious, or when they say that me saving my purity is a bad thing, or that "You will never make it" or "You need that experience." I love them so much, and I only want to make them proud, but I feel as if I would have to turn my back on God in order to do that. Turn my back on India.

Family, if you are reading this, I'm just being honest and saying this in all sincerity. I know you never meant hurt feelings, and I want you to know that I have never once tried to change you for Christ. That is solely your decision.

My heart breaks over and over. I am too sensitive. I hear about martyrs in China, about seven year old prostitutes in India, about enslaved women in Nepal. I hear about natural disasters, of earthquakes in Japan. I hear about government tyranny in the Middle East: where bombs are constantly going off and hate is spreading in all directions. The world has grown to hate one another! And there is nothing I can do about it. I am one girl, and God told me to change the world in whatever way I can, and I have to do it.

These are my mournings, my tears. I'm scared because I realize that its not about me anymore, its about God. I never would have thought seven years ago that my purpose in life was to live for other people. Its scary, to realize that you are never in control. (You never were.) If I have to sacrifice myself in order to change someone else's life, then so be it.

Most people think changing the world is such a great idea....until you bring Jesus into it.

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