Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I am what I am. Who am I?

But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect.
I Corinthians 15:10.

I just finished reading the book of I Corinthians this morning, at 6:00 in the morning while drinking coffee in order to encourage my eyelids to perk up again. I must admit, being a full time college student,even without working on the side, is stressful. Its hard to wake up during the early hours of the day, drag yourself out of bed, and make you presentable for the world. Altogether, it is all too hard to do in a society that deems nothing but perfection acceptable. Yet this quote from Paul stuck to me hard today, like a star-fish to a rock, and I am not letting go.

Who am I? This is the question most young people face, especially today, when the world is chaos. I feel like I need to find myself, figure myself out, learn who I am supposed to be. I am tired of just sitting around waiting for my life to start. I've spent the last six months almost completely friendless. Sure, I met a lot of really awesome people, but it never seems to go anywhere. I never seem able to relate to anyone. I feel like I am speaking Arabic whenever I talk to someone, as if people don't understand. I have to rack my brains in order to even get a conversation going. Let's face it: I'm painfully shy around people I don't know, but that's normal. What's NOT normal is that I have been this way most of my life, teased for being home-schooled, teased for being a "goody-goody" or a "saint, teased for being "too pure." Yet, amazingly, God still HAS given me friends, both in Texas and in Washington (even in the Dominican where no one spoke English!) So I know God will give me friends here in Florida, its all a matter of patience.

So what do I do?

I wait...

Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong.
Do everything in love.

I Corinthians 16:13-14

Waiting, to put in a simple word, is hard, especially when your brain tends to exaggerate the way mine does. It's hard discerning what you need to wait for, and what part of it is pure laziness. Trying to find myself in this world is nearly impossible, and I have finally caught up to that conclusion. The world will hate you, no matter what, but it is the few people in your life that do love you that make the difference. So instead of finding myself in this world. I am trying to find myself in God.

It reminds me of that Taylor Swift song:

"I don't know what I want,
So don't ask me,
Because I'm still trying to figure it out.
Don't know whats down this road,
I'm just walking,
Trying to see through the rain coming down.
Even though I'm not the only one who feels,
The way I do."

And just to put things simply, finding myself in God has been satisfying. Since beginning lent, I am been forced to inspect my heart and see what is on the inside of me, rather than the outside. I have come to the revelation that I need to cast worry out of my heart, I have to learn patience, and grow in my relationship with God. I need to cast all the annoying wants of a teenage girl. I have to forget about college, about boys (even though there are none) and learn what it means to live solely off of Christ. I cannot live on the rich bread of this world. I need to get rid of all these intricate "nothings" until I have something basic and simple. My bread needs to be holy, unleavened. I need to be me. Not the me that people want me to be, and I don't care whether I have to martyr myself in order to do that.

Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.
I Corinthians 15:58

So what do I do? I fight. I fight really hard. I don't let myself fall into the abyss of hopelessness. I am set out to change the world. Life can throw anything it wants at me. God, You want me to move to Saudi Arabia, where I have NO rights? Okay. You want me to run for president? You got it. You want me to stay here in Florida, get married, and raise a family? Fine. God you have anything and everything! Why do you think I don't listen to people's warnings? They warn me about sickness and danger in India, but I shrug it off! Isn't the life of one person worth all the pain and disease in the world? God, why have you given me so much passion for this! I cannot contain this joy, this unexplainable joy, that you have given me! Why? Why do I love people I have never met? How is that possible? Why do I get butterflies from You like a lovesick girl? I am drunk from Your love. Although I eventually want a husband, I don't need one; not when You romance me this way! Not when you are constantly telling me how wonderful life is going to be, not when you are giving me such dreams...

God, this is all too much, too overwhelming...
And I wouldn't want anything less.

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